A person who is hiding or minimizing substance use may deny it, offer explanations, or become defensive when others express concern, but these reactions alone do not establish a substance use disorder. More reliable warning signs include impaired control, continued use despite harm, unsafe use, neglect of responsibilities, relationship problems, tolerance, or withdrawal.
Your loved one may strongly insist that they are sober or in control while their behavior, appearance, functioning, or the physical environment raises questions. They may also criticize sober people or use sober friends to reassure others, while avoiding an honest discussion of the specific concerns you have observed.
Trust specific observations rather than trying to judge honesty from one conversation, and record patterns on your Checklist and Rating Scale—such as missed obligations, unsafe behavior, secrecy, mood changes, or repeated consequences. Discuss concerns when the person is sober, focus on behavior rather than labels, and avoid arguing, lecturing, or confronting someone who is intoxicated.
When your loved one is actively using but trying to hide it, their words can become a powerful shield. If you ask them about their drinking or drug use, you might not get a simple denial. Instead, you’ll hear a rehearsed, overly dramatic speech about how “clean and sober” they are. They will speak with wounded righteousness, even when their eyes are glassy, their behavior is chaotic, or the smell of chemicals is still in the room. They are using the language of wellness to shut you down.
Another red flag is how they talk about others. They will often mock people who actually are sober, calling them “boring,” “uptight,” or “judgmental.” By painting a sober life as miserable, they try to normalize their own habits.
They might even use sober friends as social props, saying things like, “How could I have a problem? My friend John is completely clean, and we hang out all the time.” They use these relationships to build a false image of innocence, while quietly undermining those same friends behind their backs.
This verbal maneuvering can make you feel dizzy and confused. When your loved one’s words completely disconnect from their physical reality, trust your eyes, not their speeches. Their hollow declarations are just a way to protect the addiction and keep you from seeing the truth. Use the Checklist and Rating Scale as evidence for them that there are many other issues that raise concern than the few sobriety play acting behaviors they have put forth.
This sign is for awareness and education only. It is useful as a screening tool, not a diagnostic tool. It is not a substitute for professional assessment or treatment. If you are concerned about someone you love, speaking with a qualified addiction counselor or psychologist is always the right next step.
Why should you sign up for this newsletter? Because periodically we send out information that might be helpful to you in the future, that way you won’t miss out on relevant information important to you and you loved one.